Mel Gibson

Mel Gibson admitted to domestic violence -- both emotional and physical -- against his partner and mother of his daughter, Oksana Grigorieva.

Radaronline.com released audio tapes that confirm Mel's emotional abuse of Oksana and his violence against her. In the transcripts Mel embodies many battering characteristics that we see at Sojourn, daily.

One portion of the tape highlighted a part of DV that is rarely talked about in news stroies regarding domestic violence.

The tape depicts Mel blaming Oksana for his violent behavior. As reported by Radaronline, Mel says:

You don't have any f*cking friends except me, and you treat me like shi*! So
that's why I'm so fucking angry...

Mel turns the tables on Oksana and blames her for his aggressive and violent behavior. This is a typical tactic of batterers. However, battering is never the fault of the victim. This tactic allows batterers to maintain control of a situation in which they are obviously in the wrong. Batterers are able to make themselves feel justified in their violence and emotional manipulation.

Moreover, this tactic can convince the traumatized partner that she can fix the problem that initiated the violence.

Batterers can not be "changed" by the partners they batter. The myth that women incite violence against them by any particular act is entirely unfounded and simply serves as a tool to continue abusive partnerships.

The cycle of DV is incredibly evident in this case and we, at Sojourn, hope Oksana stays safe and Mel Gibson's case is taken seriously and justice is served.

image via radaronline.com

The Plight of Padma Patil

The brother and father of Afshan Azad, who plays Padma Patil in the Harry Potter films, have been charged with threatening to kill her. According to the BBC, Azad's family are conservative Muslims and did not approve of her Hindu boyfriend. This disapproval led to threats and a physical assault by Afshan's brother and father in the last week.

This is an obvious case of violence against women and domestic violence. At Sojourn, we often stress the occurrence of intimate partner violence between a woman and her current or former romantic partner. However, Azad's assault highlights domestic violence in familial contexts by male family members. It is important to remember that the desire to control another person can and does emerge in familial contexts and that these situations can become violent.

Moreover, some news outlets have pointed to the similarities to Azad's situation and the growing number of Honor Killings in the UK. Honor killings are described by the UN as the murder of a family member (mostly female) by a fellow family member (usually male) to save the "honor" of the family. Wearing inappropriate clothes or engaging in sexual acts are some of the ways a female victim can bring dishonor upon a family. While Azad has not confirmed the details of her attack, her situation offers a platform for discussing the on going domestic violence (honor killings) against women by male family members today.

We, at Sojourn, hope that Afshan remains safe and feels the British law offers her sufficient legal responses to her emotional and physical assault. We also hope her horrific situation can raise awareness about family violence against women as well as the rise of honor killings in western countries.

Updates on this situation as it develops.

(Photo Via www.msmagazine.com/blog/)

Texting and Dating Violence

The blogosphere erupted this week regarding a recent article from the Washington Post about the connection between texting and Domestic Violence. At Sojourn, we are extremely interested in new forms dating and domestic violence takes, so naturally this conversation caught our eye.

The Post article is couched in the widely reported and horrific -- but not uncommon -- story of Yeardley Love and her abusive boyfriend George Huguely who murdered her on May 3rd of this year. As it turns out, Huguely exhibited extensive abusive behavior that went unreported. This abusive behavior included threatening and relentless calls, texts, and emails -- just now being uncovered by the police . Huguely's extensive methods of abuse are now becoming a useful method in evaluating the severity of his malicious behavior.

This crime serves as a case study for both the extensive abuse achievable through technology as well as how technology can assist in proving abusive behavior by saving threats in emails and text messages.

Obviously in Love's case, the potential positives of recording abuse are entirely outweighed by the horrific dating violence she endured and ultimately her death. Perhaps, however, the ability to record abuse might make it easier for survivors of DV to prosecute the people who abuse them.

This issue highlights the fact that when combating DV it is important to constantly rethink and reevaluate the context in which DV is perpetrated. At Sojourn we intend on staying on top of all tactics abusers utilize.

Also, we are always relieved when dating violence and domestic violence are addressed in larger public forums. This is the issue of our time and gets far too little public attention considering the millions of lives impacted by relentless abuse.

(Image via Google Images)

The World Cup and Domestic Violence

As the World Cup begins the lovely staff of Sojourn thought a re-post from the feminist blog, The Curvature, could kick off a discussion of the relationship or non-relationship between domestic violence and sporting events.

Many media outlets and popular assumptions state that drunken and upset men (perhaps returning from a lost soccer match) are more likely to batter their spouses and partners.

For this reason, the England police department crafted new PSA's, warning telling men and women about the consequences of domestic violence with a World Cup theme.

While I applaud the English police department for attempting to curb the rates of domestic violence during this time, I find it aggravating that domestic violence is understood in such basic terms in these adds. According to the English police, domestic violence is just that -- physical violence -- against women. Of course physical violence is a terrible outcome of an abusive relationship, and the most visible, but domestic violence is also defined by many other behaviors: emotional manipulation, use children, money, pets, and denigration to control their female partners -- this is abuse, not just one crazy night of drunkenness.

Batterers have learned abuse. Simply warning them that if they beat their partners after watching the World Cup they may go to jail does not undo the dangerous and abusive tendencies of the batterer.

The Curvature explores more in depth,
http://thecurvature.com/2010/06/07/anti-domestic-violence-campaign-centers-world-cup-and-misses-its-mark/

We Love To Blog!

At Sojourn, there is a ton ton ton of work to do, all-day-every-day-maybe-even-nights.

Our staff works tirelessly (go them! we love them!) and rarely get a chance to really get to the BLOGGING. Blogging is so fun and I am sad that my fellow Sojourn friends cannot blog with me all the time but for now it will be me! Posting! As much as my little volunteer heart can muster!

I just wanted to introduce myself before the stream of blogging begins. I am the SOJOURN BLOGGER -- Sierra -- and I will be relaying priceless insights from the staff at Sojourn to you (the amazing reader) regarding any and all current events.

We all hope you will check out our blog ALL THE TIME and if you have any amazing suggestions on what we should talk about, please post them in the comments section!

Thank you and now, without further ado, SOJOURN TAKES A STAND.

Should parental love be used as a tool for controlling children?: NO

At Sojourn, we advocate for comprehensive and compassionate parenting, and denounce conditional or aggressive parenting. With this in mind, we were obviously thrilled to see a Alfie Kohn's article on unconditional parental love in the New York Times.



As analyzed by Alfie Kohn in his article, "When a Parent’s ‘I Love You’ Means ‘Do as I Say’ ", two recent parenting books by Phil McGraw of the talk show "Dr. Phil" and Jo Frost of "Suppernanny" tell readers that what children need or enjoy should be offered contingently, turned into rewards to be doled out or withheld so they “behave according to your wishes.” And, as stated by Dr. Phil, “one of the most powerful currencies for a child,” he adds, “is the parents’ acceptance and approval.”


Likewise, Jo Frost of “Supernanny,” in her book of the same name (Hyperion, 2005), says, “The best rewards are attention, praise and love,” and these should be held back “when the child behaves badly until she says she is sorry,” at which point the love is turned back on.



Kohn asks, Should parental love be used as a tool for controlling children? At Sojourn we respond with a resounding NO.



Kohn agrees. Instead of conditional parenting, Kohn suggests that unconditional parenting is far superior, "In practice, according to an impressive collection of data by Dr. Deci and others, unconditional acceptance by parents as well as teachers should be accompanied by “autonomy support”: explaining reasons for requests, maximizing opportunities for the child to participate in making decisions, being encouraging without manipulating, and actively imagining how things look from the child’s point of view."



At Sojourn, we are always pleased to hear further proof that nonviolent, compassionate, and unconditional parenting continues to be widely supported and we hope that misled writers (we are looking at you Dr. Phil and Suppernanny!) will take the time to read the studies cited by Kohn.



Read the full text: http://www.nytimes.com/2009/09/15/health/15mind.html?_r=3&src=twt&twt=nytime

Dear Abby, You Missed This by a Mile

Re:Lost For Words In Florida’s letter to Dear Abby from The Beacon News on November 28, 2009.

Dear Abby weighed in with a genuinely TERRIBLE answer which caused one of our staff to react:

Are you kidding? “Stop trying to have an adult conversation with an 8-year-old”???? On what planet is an 8-year-old incapable of having a rational and intelligent conversation?? Since when did being 8 automatically make you a moron??

The Original Dear Abby Q & A is as follows:

Dear Abby: My 8-year-old granddaughter has posed a question that stumped me, and I hope you can help with an answer: Why be neat and well-groomed?

She doesn't care what people think of how she looks. She sees no problem wearing clothes that are torn, etc. I am concerned that by the time she reaches adolescence she won't care how she looks when she leaves the house.

Her hair is extremely curly. It can't be combed or it gets wilder and frizzier, which adds to her unkempt appearance. Her hair may improve as she gets older if she's motivated to spend the extra time.

I am challenged by her question. How can I answer her? -- Lost For Words in Florida

Dear Lost For Words: Please stop trying to have an adult conversation with an 8-year-old. Where is this child's mother? Why is she permitted to go around in "torn, etc." clothing? It's time to talk to your son or daughter about helping their child with her grooming. The way your granddaughter looks is not only a reflection on herself, but also the adults whose responsibility it is to care for her. While she may not care how she looks, her parents should.

Children’s Advocate Roger Hyde gave the following alternative to Abby:

The Case of the Girl With Problem Hair:

Start by listening to the child, how it looks as HER problem:
*She doesn't care about others' opinions about her looks.
*She wears torn clothes, etc. without concern.
*She has "extremely curly hair" that defeats normal management.

Diagnose this with a crumb of objectivity from the child's perspective:

The things the "other kids" do to manage their appearance are not accessible to her. She has a daunting extra obstacle in the way if she wishes to keep up the median, regular standards of her group; and she has the apparent extra burden of having adults in her life who might have the resources to compensate for her inborn characteristics which might be unfashionable, but who blame the child for bad self management. We could make a case for that being child abuse.

The child is loaded with ostracism at school, etc. and blame at home. There's a recipe for optimism and healthy motivation, right? If you're an isolated, ostracized geek being proud of THAT seems like a decent and reasonable defense. I'll be ME and everyone else can be whatever they want. I'll just be me and wait until I get out of Duckville and find the swans who will embrace me as a beautiful one of them!

So what do we do to actually help the girl solve the problems? Give her good information and the resources to act on change.

It seems that the hair is a crucial issue and would be a key symbol of empowerment if she were given support to manage it. Hair is malleable in skilled hands. It can be made to do what people want. Try a couple of hairdressers, call a local beauty college: get the tools that are correct for the task. Help the child do this. We do not expect children to choose their own schools and doctors. Find competent help for the child.

The fact that the girl feels defeated is a reasonable response: she HAS BEEN DEFEATED in the task of managing the look of her hair. Once she has been given (repeat: GIVEN!) the means to cope with this, there is the matter of giving her the chance to choose to use the tools as others do. She will be motivated in a healthy way ONLY by seeing the attraction of being able to use the tools: She can Look the way SHE wants to look, when she wants. She can use the communication devices of looking casual, formal, fetching, aloof, practical,.... at her own discretion. Everyone of every age understands social power and its value. She will not neglect this if she is offered it as a choice she can make. If she is lectured about her duty to conform, the healthy thing probably is to refuse to submit to being a puppet of the adults. Let them dress themselves up if THEY want.